“Don’t you wish there was a repellant you could spray on your parents whenever they embarrass you in public,” is how one teen on Facebook expressed it.
It used to be that one of the greatest fears of a teenager was that she would be embarrassed by her parents in public. I remember not wanting to walk with my mom through the mall or around the neighborhood for fear one of my friends would walk up and words that would make my eyes roll would begin to tumble out of my mom’s mouth. With Facebook’s 750 million users, the king of social networks is the new mall. Which also means it’s the new place that causes the typical teen to break out in beads of sweat when they see their parent has joined.
There is nothing wrong with parents being on Facebook. I think we should be there. It’s a public forum and a great way to keep up with what is happening in society. There’s also nothing wrong with parents being “friends” with their teens on Facebook. As a matter, of personal opinion, I think you absolutely should. I don’t understand “parenting experts” who say you should respect your teen’s privacy by not “friending” them online. If you have a good relationship with your teen offline, then it is certainly possible to have a good one online. But key to having a successful relationship with your teen on a social network such as Facebook is yours to win or lose based on your ability to avoid social faux pas land mines.
Many a parent has stumbled onto one of these land mines completely unintentionally. I don’t know many parents that willfully set out to embarrass their kids. It’s usually an “oops” moment that seems harmless enough to you, but makes your teen’s eyes bug out and say under their breath, “What were you thinking?” Here are the key destructive actions to stay away from.
1. Beware of Embarrassing Photos of Them.
Far too often parents post pictures they think are “oh, too cute” of their son’s first bath or daughter dressed like an oompaloompa from her third grade play. But believe me, these will be met with a shrieking, “Noooo!” when you teen sees them online plastered for the whole world to see. That picture of your whole family dressed in white polos at the beach is passable without getting permission but for all others, I would recommend asking you kid before posting it. Chances are your kid won’t mind you sharing with your Facebook buddies the pics of them in the Karate competition or at the ballet recital, but asking shows your teen that you respect how people perceive them in public.
2. Beware of Embarrassing Photos of Yourself.
After all that time you spent training your teen not to share inappropriate photos of herself online, don’t go off and blow it by doing just the opposite yourself. Pictures of you and your coworkers toasting at the office Christmas party with your Heinekens held high may be a good memory but definitely not one for everyone to see. Likewise, for that muscle flexing shot of you on the beach last summer. You might think it’s cool or funny, but your teens is going to flee. Remember your teen can see everything you post as well.
3. Keep Comments to a Minimum.
An occasional comment on your teen’s profile is fine, but keep them short and sweet. And don’t comment on everything they post. You wouldn’t do that to any other friend on Facebook so don’t do it to your kid either. I would also recommend testing the waters with this. Start off with simple responses every once in a while and go from there as you build trust and she sees you’re not taking advantage of being able to see everything she posts.
4. No Lecturing Online.
Let’s just assume that your kid is going to be like most and at some point in time she is going to post or say something online that she shouldn’t. Or maybe it’s not her that posted something inappropriate, but rather one of her friends that posted something to her page. Don’t confront her online, unless your goal is to isolate. Instead, talk about it in person. Be honest with her about how you feel about what her friend posted on your daughter’s page. Remind her of the boundaries you both talked about before you allowed her to be on Facebook. Then ask her to remove it.
5. Keep the Friend Circle Tight.
Part of a teenager’s self-identity is wrapped up in who they know and how many people they know–their circle of friends. When you look at your teen’s profile and it shows she has 942 friends and you only have 113 don’t let that bother you. Your goal is not to be friends with everyone of your teen’s friends. You don’t hang out in your kid’s bedroom when her friends are over because that would be a little weird, right. It’s the same way online. She needs some space to interact with her friends without you trying to be apart of every conversation.
Please, please don’t send “friend” requests to her friends. If one of the girls from her soccer team or church youth group sends you a friend request, you should tell your kid before accepting. It keeps everything out in the open. But never, never send the friend request yourself. That’s just creepy.
It is possible to have a good online relationship with your kid, just like you have offline. But a good relationship is going to require you to play an even greater balancing act of being a watchful parent and trusting parent. If you’ve built a relationship of trust, taught her appropriate social behavior, and treated her with respect, then you can continue in this same relationship as she ventures online.
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